(Featuring Matt Smith’s Doctor)
The Doctor: “Now, you see Davros, that’s where you went wrong when trying to conquer the universe. Again. By using OpenSSL 1.0.1e, your Daleks are susceptible to the Heartbleed vulnerability that sent everybody with a computer mad back in April 2014. I’ve been able to get the Dalek Empire’s security protocols and passwords. Watch.”
The Doctor tinkers with his sonic screwdriver. The Daleks stop dead in their tracks. Their eyestalks point downwards, making them all look like lost puppies who’ve been reprimanded for nibbling at their master’s slippers.
Davros: “Oh, bugger. I KNEW I should have based the Daleks on Microsoft Windows”.
A little while later..
Davros is ready to boot up the first Dalek running Windows. The Dalek goes about its business – very slowly as it happens, because Davros didn’t put sufficient RAM or a powerful enough CPU in them as he’s a cheap and cheerful sort of fellow, and to make things even worse, their hard drives are only 4,200RPM with a highly fragmented filesystem.
Suddenly the Dalek stops dead in its tracks.
“INSTALLING. UPDATES. REBOOTING.” The Dalek glides backwards as if drunk. It does this every 24 hours. After a week, the Dalek suffers the feared fatal blue eyestalk of death and keels over.
Davros: “Oh, bugger.” (facepalm) “I wonder what would happen if I installed MacOS X instead?”
Cue the Dalektosh. Steve Jobs was furious.
And that’s where Davros decides to open a time portal and head back through to the Victorian era to rebuild his Daleks using primitive technology – steampunk Daleks.
An idea that features in my story, “The House of Kaled” (that also features Vastra, Jenny and Strax). Daleks made of copper and powered by steam, and Dalek (female) human operatives wearing proper Dalek-style skirts. Oh yes.
